anyway, it was a simple picture. . . seeing the possiblity that my personal awakening might not have had to be as negative as it was (or could have stayed negative longer), could be applied to awakening of large collectives. hmmmm so if I were to nutshell my personal DONT FREAK OUT ITS OK mantra : there's a logical explanation even if this is stuff we've never seen before. keep up morale until logical explanation fills in. if faculties like basic reality sensing are taking hits, that most likely means some force is directly affecting morale or just feeling tired from transition, so put more into keeping up morale, until logical explanation fills in, which it will if we keep processing and asking. . .

when things get weird, it's just transitional, remain calm or better yet: excited and flowy

coudln't go up today because too much chance of rain. i shouldhve just gone. this is killing me. i bet if i'd gone i'd be feeling 180 degrees different. something's gotta shift or somethings gonna pop or rip or who the fuck knows what. i mean i'm so close to getting to the major milestone of living on the land instead of rent loop, but every single thing right up to that POINT has been a limbo which I've learned how to work so it's not horrible but it's still a transitional mode and i'm getting tired of it, i' mean freelance is freelance i could . . . acheive that milestone or end up in crisis just two feet from making it. THERE i could be investing in resources that GIVE BACK, increasingly, but until i'm THERE it's all been like dont notice the bleeder we're doing everything we can to stop it, don't look at it, just follow the plan. so yeah i guessi need ot just be connecting up there with my new community and keep accepting their help, cuz fuck what if i just dont quite make it? just all THAT is exhausting. and Ch like he doesn't give a fuck, poor thing can't even keep a room clean enough that it doesn't start making him sick in some way or another, INSANE LAUGHTER HERE, but that's nothing new. i mean ther's no raeson to be doubting the net that's been holding me up, and when i do i try to go and do more work to keep people happy, but. . . but... jesus this is getting old. just like THIS WITH YOU!!!!!!!! something has to change/ WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUR INTENTIONS??????????.

is it part of this cocooning fucking seeming chapter of my life? the toxifying horizon despite best efforts just because it's part of a natural cycle then im squelched out into my new life? wtf

like clockwork as soon as i want to just curl up and wait for things to be different, work of all things, calls with some puzzle needing solving. oh yay.not sure if that's great timing to distract me into action instead of mulling or sleeping, or if it just fucking ruined my nap.